Future Head Case: For bad baby names that are just too easy to mock.

Dear Expectant Parent,

We've learned that you're treating with reckless abandon the future well-being of your baby. You’re naming your new bundle of joy (insert baby name).

Picture this story on the seven o’clock news.

Luxembourg. Police have finally captured the person responsible for the identity thefts of at least 20 people worldwide. Identified only as (insert baby name), the criminal was quoted as saying, "I just want to be known by another name!"

You see, a name like (insert baby name) can set your baby up for a lifetime of relentless taunting that could one day unhinge the poor child igniting a crimewave anywhere in the world.

It's just not worth the risk. Rethink the name.


Sincerely,
The caring staff of
Baby Name Intervention
www.babynameintervention.com

 Just Bizarre: For bad baby names fit only for celebrity parents.

Dear Expectant Parent,

You're pregnant! That's great. We love that. What we don't love is the bad name you're considering for your new baby.

We understand (insert baby name) must seem enchantingly unique and you probably spent days coming up with it. That's touching. However, we recommend against treating the task of naming your baby as a creative outlet for yourself. Instead, consider expressing yourself with one of these interesting hobbies, as you name little (insert baby name) something more appropriate:

• Scrapbooking the infant months (they go by like the flicker of a candle)
• Bronzing (you can't let the first pair of booties just sit there)
• Compulsive sweepstakes entry (college is just 18 years out)
• Raising emus (well, you just never know)

We hope you've found something of interest to you here. Now choose a name allowing for something other than "rock star" or "gypsy fortune teller" as future career opportunities for your baby.


Sincerely,
The caring staff of
Baby Name Intervention
www.babynameintervention.com

 Creative Spelling: For good names with bad spellings

Dear Expectant Parent,

We're told you want to name your baby (insert baby name). It's a good choice of name, not of spelling.

Why? Every time your baby writes "(insert baby name)", the little tyke has to work harder than average. For this example, let's put some numbers around it. Let's say the effort takes two seconds longer. That's two more seconds spent spelling the name than necessary. That's 102,200 seconds for the average person. That's 1.2 DAYS of your baby's life you've wasted by spelling the name "(insert baby name)".

What would you do if you had 1.2 extra days?

So, we're asking you to consider spelling your baby's name traditionally. Give back those 1.2 extra days. It's the gift of life all over again.


Sincerely,
The caring staff of
Baby Name Intervention
www.babynameintervention.com

 General: General style suitable for most bad baby names

Dear Expectant Parent,

We're told you've chosen the name (insert baby name) for your new baby. Here are only a few reasons why this is a mistake of epic proportion.

• Teachers will struggle to pronounce it correctly.
• Friends will say it wrong just for comedic effect.
• The child probably won't have any friends (let's face it).

The truth is your little tyke faces a tough world. Bias abounds. People draw conclusions about each other in the first two seconds. As a parent, you're mostly powerless to impact these snap, often unfair, judgments. But before you get all depressed, there's good news. You have complete ownership over one crucial component of the first impression: your baby's name.

So, rethink (insert baby name). It's bad. Your friends and family won't say it, but they're thinking it.


Sincerely,
The caring staff of
Baby Name Intervention
www.babynameintervention.com